Being Heard in a Conflictual World
“The woman said to Jesus, ‘Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water.’”
I made a better argument, but it failed to persuade. It doesn’t matter whether the argument is theological, political, or about the proper way to put the dishes in the dishwasher; being intellectually correct often doesn't persuade. Not only did I make a rational argument, but I also presented sources to support it, and it only made matters worse. Why is rational proof not enough to convince the other person?
The anonymous article “Why Facts Don’t Change Minds (And the 4 Things That Actually Do)” provides perspective as we attempt to share and persuade others. Addressing a couple of the author’s recommendations will help reframe how we share and attempt to influence others. First, “Ideas don’t change-contexts do.” Discussing change can be uncomfortable, so providing safety, appropriate timing, and making it clear that you value the relationship are vital for open communication. If the conversation turns uncomfortable or threatening, one’s thought process shuts down.
Negotiating the placement of the cups at the front of the dishwasher, rather than placing them back to front, should take less time than discussing whether the Iran War is appropriate. Most importantly, the vast majority of people are influenced more by emotion than logic. If you leave a sarcastic or condescending impression, open communication shuts down. Reinforcing your belief that your relationship and mutual respect are more important than winning an argument is fundamental to being heard.
We consider our ideas as who we are. It is understandable that when someone questions our ideas, we feel our identity, our very being, is being questioned. In areas of theological belief, not only is the person’s identity in question, but the very foundation of their existence and the God they hold true. Providing a safe place with the appropriate time commitment reaffirms the commitment to the relationship over winning. Jesus lived by the principles of safety, time, and relationship. Even those whom society considered undesirable, Jesus treated with respect. Because Jesus offered safety, time, and relationship, tax collectors, Samaritans, and others listened and were transformed. Give it a shot. Discuss a subject that requires a little sensitivity, focusing on safety, time, and relationships, and if it goes well, try something a little more controversial. Respect opens the door to trust and learning.
