The Courage to Care
“Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
Being a faithful person, or even a compassionate human being, requires courage. When someone you know is suffering, the easiest response is to do nothing. Worse, you can implement avoidance. Fear squeezes the confidence out of you. Fear of saying the wrong thing cripples our ability to provide support. You are not alone. Almost all of us ruminate on how to step into someone else’s pain. Does the one suffering even want us in that moment?
Begin by remembering, this situation is not about you. Even if you are also struggling with mourning or situational pain, when you focus on the person, you should intentionally put aside your needs. After my mother died, I performed the funeral, and then we returned to Des Moines, and I got back to work. The funerals continued, and I caught myself saying, “I know, when my mother died…” There may be a very specific situation in which telling your story could help, but most of the time, sharing your story puts the focus on you and away from the one you want to support. Instead, focus on listening.
The next way to support a person in pain is to learn to be comfortable with silence. Silence is a necessary part of grieving, especially for introverted people. Yet, that same person still does not want to be alone. I am a talker. I talk when I am nervous. I talk in a failed attempt to “fix it.” I literally remind myself in the moment, “I cannot fix it,” and embrace my own discomfort by sitting in the silence. I may hold the person’s hand or sit and avert my eyes, occasionally looking at them to make sure I am not missing interpersonal cues. Often, when I embrace the silence, I am giving the person their power back, and in time, they open up and share their pain and need. If I talked through the discomfort, the person would have listened and spent their time trying to find a way to get me away from them so they could think.
Looking back on my ministry, I apologize for the times I shared my pain and wasn’t as helpful as I could have been. Yet I did my best in the moment, and you did your best when you courageously showed up for another person. Remember, care and support require emotional empathy to respond effectively. Before you enter into a person’s pain, pray for God to give you the wisdom to know how best to respond. Finally, forgive yourself in advance. Even if you get clued in that the person doesn’t want you there in that moment, hours or days later, the person will appreciate that you made the effort. I would rather side with not being effective in the moment and trying to be supportive than avoid the situation, leaving the person wondering whether I or others care. Courage is the answer, and most of the time, you will be glad you took the risk. Bless you for caring!
