Facing Rejection with Perspective
Rejection is an experience all human beings face. In elementary school, girlfriends and boyfriends often change as quickly as a note passed in class. Rejections vary from schoolyard crushes to divorce, a job loss, or being ghosted by a former friend. We can even experience rejection as political, religious, or societal changes negatively affect our daily lives. How we respond to rejection will, in large measure, determine our contentment. People differ in their capacity to endure rejection, and their emotional responses to it vary depending on how close we feel to the individual or situation.
In her “Psychologies” magazine article “Why do I feel SO SENSITIVE?,” Anne Fletcher addresses the pain of rejection and tools to retain one’s value as a person. An inability to face rejection can lead to difficulty focusing and functioning daily. Fletcher points out, “A key part of why these small missteps can feel so overwhelming is something psychologists call rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). While not a clinical diagnosis, it describes the intense emotional pain some people feel when they perceive rejection, criticism, or failure.” Unless you have an emotional numbness condition, each of us feels some level of discomfort or pain when rejected.
Often, someone who has experienced severe rejection brings that pain to future rejections, even when the new rejection is small. I’ve watched people in line at the grocery store, and watched a person lose it with the teller who made a simple mistake. The teller wasn’t trying to embarrass or hurt that person. The long-term “damage” done by the teller is non-existent. Instead, the person is probably responding inappropriately to a previous pain, rather than to the teller in front of them. When we do not address rejection in intentional and healthy ways, rejection bleeds into negative actions well into the future.
Fletcher helps the reader experience beneficial ways to heal and properly address life’s rejection. First, reflecting on earlier rejection can help face residual hurt. Being dumped by my 4th-grade girlfriend hurts less today than it did over 53 years ago. Today, I have the distance necessary to properly reflect on why the relationship didn’t last, allowing me to forgive her and myself. Addressing more painful moments with the distance necessary to evaluate the events will help bring healing.
Second, Fletcher warns the reader not to fall into “The rumination trap.” “One of the most exhausting aspects of rejection is rumination-the endless replaying of social interactions, searching for evidence of what went wrong.” Ruminating on rejection plays like an unending recording that traps us in a cycle of pain that gets worse over time, unless addressed in healthy ways. Unhealthy actions to stop the ruminating mind include drugs, alcohol, sex, etc., and other addictions that try to numb our mind, even for a short time.
Finally, Fletcher describes “The masking effect” as “the pressure to maintain relationships leads to masking-presenting a version of oneself that feels more acceptable or easier to like.” For many, over time, we cannot keep up the façade because faking it requires so much extra inner work, leaving us exhausted and depressed. Fletcher warns, “Over time, it can lead to burnout, resentment, or a sense of disconnection from one’s authentic self.” Masking is a flawed attempt to fake myself and others out, believing that if we were better than who we really are, we would not experience rejection. Mularkey! When we are not our true selves, we diminish ourselves and appear inauthentic to others.
Fletcher doesn’t just name the problem but also provides avenues to healing. Fletcher calls us to work on self-awareness when she affirms, “Recognizing that intense feelings are part of how your brain responds can help you engage with friends intentionally rather than impulsively. It’s not about suppressing emotion-it’s about responding in a way that is sustainable for you and your friendships.” You can control your emotions, not the other way around. Just because you are experiencing intense feelings does not mean you have to share that intensity with others. The more you practice responding with less intensity, the more control you will regain.
Building resilience takes practice. Instead of avoiding emotional discomfort, treat yourself as your own patient and view yourself with some distance. Reflecting on feelings and actions provides practice in controlling your emotions. Rejection doesn’t need to define you. As a person of faith, it is also essential that you reflect on rejection in light of being a child of God and being called by God in your baptism. God created you out of love and for a meaningful purpose. God defines and redefines you, not those who rejected you. No matter what you do or do not do, God will not reject you! God’s commitment to you is your foundational identity. In moments of rejection, remind yourself of who you are and that God still loves you. Faith in God provides a healthy perspective and a renewed outlook on our lives.