Creating a Healing Process Amid Tragedy
Thirty-one years ago, I was serving a Presbyterian Church in Merrillville, Indiana, when the unspeakable happened. An American Eagle flight crashed in a field outside the city. All 68 people on board died. The scene was so horrific that I provided spiritual counseling for a Funeral Home director who struggled after gathering remains at the site. At the service, where I was the Protestant clergyperson in the memorial for those on American Eagle flight 4184, I talked to several family members who shared a similar fearful reality. After today, when we get home, everyone else gets on with their lives, but we are left stuck in our pain.
In despairing moments, it feels unfair that others appear whole and reasonably happy. Can’t they see the emptiness all around them? Poignantly, paradoxically, the emptiness will always remain, but so is reasonable happiness and wholeness. Experiencing occasional happiness and feeling whole does not diminish your love for the one you’ve lost. Living through your pain is a tribute to their memory and keeps their life alive through you.
The families of those lost in the tragedy were my teachers that day, and for years to come. Like all of you, I hate pain and seek to avoid it at every turn. Painful times can be nothing more than meaningless suffering. Or, you can take in your suffering and learn from it. You will hurt, but you will learn endurance and wisdom on how to overcome. God uses our imperfect, painful lives to help us recognize our need for something greater than ourselves. In pain, we see the need for more than our ability, or relying only on loved ones to make us whole.
Only a being who is beyond earthly limitations, including death, can provide what we need. Lasting wisdom is only received when we walk the path of the divine One. It is a path of pain which Jesus confirmed on the cross. Yet, pain is not the end of the eternal story. Pain is a secondary reaction when attuned to the Holy Spirit’s integration into your life. Love, acceptance, and meaning are within you. They do not shield you from pain, but they do walk with you through suffering, reminding you of the bigger picture of why you are alive and how you are to move forward each day.
Since pain is inevitable, I recommend a specific process to follow. First, get your mind and soul in order. Without taking on too much morbidity, consider different scenarios and how you would seek support and care. In our society, so affirming of the strong, independent person, it feels frowned upon to consider seeking assistance. Searching for help is not a weakness. Refusing help and becoming an unnecessary burden is a sign of weakness. Envision your struggle and consider specific ways to address your adversity so you can endure and overcome. You are not only doing this for your well-being, but for everyone in your life.
Second, you thought preparing yourself was uncomfortable; the next step is to share your preparation with those in your life. Most will not want to hear everything you’ve thought about and planned. Most people continue to live in avoidance mode. It is your responsibility to gently guide them through your process of acceptance and explain why planning, both physically and emotionally, is essential.
Finally, your next task is the most abstract and will probably require the most thought. First, your faith-life may be strong, but you may not have had reason to articulate your spiritual thoughts and feelings before. It is one thing to affirm the beliefs in your head, but it is another thing to share them out loud, in a systematic way. Second, you will probably receive follow-up questions or challenges from loved ones that you may not have considered. Honesty is always the best response. You are not required to know every theological answer or have thought out every eventuality. Faith is a process that never discovers a final answer.
I did not have the honor of knowing the families of American Eagle flight 4184, beyond a short interaction. Yet, I often think of them and pray for their lives and those of the generations that followed. I wonder how they moved forward and how their faith positively impacted the lives of others. My prayer is that they embraced, rather than avoided, their pain, and they found a way to live and love through the rest of their days. If they did, their families were better able to remain healthy and whole. My prayer is that your reflections on faithful responses to pain will empower your loved ones for generations to come.