How to Respond When a Grown Child Stops Going to Church
Many parents who raised their children in the faith only to see them leave the church as adults. The pain of a child leaving the church is apparent during the Advent and Christmas seasons, when families gather for the holidays and church attendance can be an uncomfortable issue. The struggle becomes more acute, for example, when they become grandparents and there isn't a baptism. Now what? Do I pretend I don't care, so there isn't tension in the family, or do I stand up for myself and God and share my disappointment and concern? Do we have a meaningful relationship if we cannot discuss what should be the most important part of life, faith in God? God is merciful, yet raising children in the faith and continuing to nurture your faith matters. What do I do with all these questions?
While going through old paper files, I found notes I took over 25 years ago from a speaker who addressed the question of what parents do when their children leave the church. The speaker gave four reasons why many grown children claim faith but refuse to embrace the church. The first type of person is the drifter. Like sleepwalkers, drifters possess basic human goodness and recognize faith as significant, but faith hasn't awakened in them a passionate response. The second type is the hitchhiker. Hitchhikers ride in a vehicle they do not own. They may practice attending worship out of obligation, but they do not feel a longing for God.
The third group is the explorers. Explorers rebel against the straight, well-worn path. They wander off in search of meaning and authenticity. They affirm the search for meaning, but when they look everywhere and can't find it, they become trapped by individual excitement, and it stops being about meaning and authenticity and becomes about being different for its own sake. Fourth, there are the pilgrims. Pilgrims nurture a personal, "owned" faith, focusing on individual commitment and conviction. The pilgrim journey is a personal journey, and while that is a key part of the Christian faith, the pilgrim who never arrives at a spiritual destination that includes others remains outside the Christian faith.
Finally, there are the nones. The nones are those who, when asked on a form, declare they have no faith. The nones are intentional in their belief that either the church is so fractured that it is not worth their time or that God does not exist. Nones can be aggressively anti-religion, or embrace the philosophy, "To each his own." These five pathways are not hard-and-fast definitions. People who struggle with religion often swing from one understanding to another. Yet it does help to know where your grown child's pathway lies in the moment so that you can speak from a place of mutual understanding.
As a parent of a grown child who has left the church, it is essential to focus on listening, rather than defending the church. Some people part with their religious tradition solely on philosophical grounds, but most leave for more emotional reasons. Listen to their emotions as well as their words. Anger, hurt, social and economic pressures, family dynamics, and other factors contribute to their leaving the church. Judgmental clergy and church members have emotionally harmed many people. Boredom or disagreements over ethical issues create more annoyance.
Once you have a feel for their emotional triggers, it is vital that you treat your child as an adult. For so many years, we had the role of nurturer, teacher, and authority figure. Once your children are grown, your role as disciplinarian ceases. Demanding that your child come back to church is inappropriate and unhelpful. You can share your faith, but as part of your life's activities. You need to be careful not to give the impression of guilt, or you may receive their resentment, which is not helpful.
Your task is to seek opportunities to affirm your grown child. Try to focus on the healthy aspects of their lives. Be generous and tolerant, which may open the door to deeper intimacy. Your goal isn't to persuade, but to listen to them. It is no longer your job to make them "good Christians." As parents of grown children, you must hand over some of the parental responsibility to God. Only God can guide them back to the faith.
Recognizing and affirming your lack of control, you need to trust God to keep participating in your child's and their family's lives. Your work continues, but behind the scenes. Pray always! Prayer is the one area where you can work alongside God in guiding your child's spiritual future. Be hopeful and confident in challenging times. God frequently uses life's difficult times to capture the heart. Your trusting attitude reinforces that God may be their answer.
Now, for the even more challenging part. Live your faith authentically. In the moments when you &/or your child are being tested the most, are you modeling the faith you want them to embrace? If you rely more on your own anxieties and reactions instead of God, you are contradicting the faith you promote, and your child will notice. We have the most significant influence on others by living our faith with humble trust.
Finally, remember the faith you profess. Our all-powerful God is merciful and grace-filled. You love your grown child, warts and all. You and I are imperfect parents, and we continue to love our child. Imagine how much more our Almighty God loves our child. On the day our child meets God, there may be regret that they didn't acknowledge God more, but I believe that a loving, perfect God has the power and intention to forgive and embrace all God's children, warts and all! Don't fret; God's acceptance of your child has already been affirmed. Just be there, listening, loving, and being a loving example. Then, you can relax and trust God to care for your child, now and eternally.